Bipolar Thoughts

Bipolar Disorder is not an illness. But there's a caveat. Bipolar is not a Nothing, It is a condition. Same thing you say? NO. Mania is an illness, depression is a sickness. Having bipolar makes you susceptible to these ailments and more. 

The average reduction in life expectancy in people with bipolar disorder is between nine and 20 years, between nine and 24 years for drug and alcohol abuse, and around seven to 11 years for recurrent depression. The loss of years among heavy smokers is eight to 10 years.May 23, 2014

  https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140523082934.htm

check check check check

Some folks have dormant conditions like a blocked brain artery waiting to explode. Cancer cells? Sure thing. Dying is a condition we are ALL going through.

You may be bipolar and never know it, going about your day as a productive member of society, never triggered. 

This condition you may or may not have truly makes one have to balance on a tight rope. Falling is just an inch away... make it to the end, *clap clap. Plummet to the ground? *bye bye.

I feel for everyone who's so-called "illness" has manifested. It's not easy, trust me I know. It's like you'll never get through it. It's hopelessness, uselessness, it seems like a death sentence (we're all dying remember?). Suicide is within an arms reach.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide Risk
It is estimated that nearly thirty percent of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lives. The suicide rate for people with bipolar disorder is twenty times that of the general population.Jul 14, 2018

https://www.verywellmind.com/red-flags-warning-signs-of-suicide-379034

don't let go;

But it can also be a source of strength. There is a rhythm to waves that crash upon you. Gasp for air every chance you get. Try not to panic; and if you do panic... don't panic about panicking.

There are brave souls who have channeled the darkness into a blinding light brighter than any regular person will ever know.

The boundless energy. Sleepless weeks. Crippling months of depression. Sounds like a super power to me. A curse, almost a southpaw advantage.

But let's be real for a second. This condition is real. You are not imagining things. You've been selected to undergo a brutal gauntlet of fire, tears, pain and suffering.
I'll see you at the end of the tight rope. #

Homeless man at hanston underground

Give me a lugaw.
Give me a lugaw when you meet me on the street.
Give me a nod as you pass me, one of the meek.
A child in perpetual timeout.
A blind man wanting to see the sense.
A deaf fuck finding sound in certain disdain.
He was my brother.
A kind soul torn between dreams and persistent illusion.
You we're my brother.
One I would call a trusted company of sinister motives.
Found out you were wrong.
Wrong to be right all the time.
Founded on misplaced disbelief.
Frowned upon your that's what you have to do.
What about the feel?
What about the heartache you once felt yourself?
What about the certain cement bed he was so lucky to have found.
I find it unkind, yes I do.
To have pressed your thumb on a being struggling for understanding.
That was uncalled for.
You, a lucky soul, lucky enough to claim credit.
How could you - Count the blessings that fell upon your lap like drops of rain so innocent it couldn't care less.
Hope you're a happy man -That would make one of us

Ideations

I'm trying to get back into the flow of writing. This is a warm up post and I do not expect much (and neither should you). Work is going okay, the honeymoon period seems to have ended and the easy out of bed passes are all used up.

Was the flow a lie? Was it all just being fresh from a healthier, steadier lifestyle? How do I merge the life I want with being a productive member of society (read: having money)?

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, here I am scratching my balding head once again. I guess I figured out I don't have it figured out.

Damn modern life :P

I can't help myself

Getting pushed into doing things i'd rather not do. Peer pressure. Slipping back into old habits. It's so hard.

The entire world is designed to make you fail, and it's earier to let it than fight back. Even the most stubborn people get tired and let their guard down.

That looks delicious! Maybe I can have just one. Maybe I don't have to go out for a run today. Maybe I'll sleep till noon this once.

I'm pushing on, but It's not easy.

Once again unto the breach

Battle weary. Missing home. Can we really go at it again?

Started out fresh enough, ammo full, boots spit-shined and a strange excitement flowing through your veins.

But now the war has dragged out. Ammo running dry, friends maimed and expired, boots full of holes, why would you go back out there?

Do you believe in what you're fighting for or are you just a foot soldier who thought he'd get a kick out of enlisting with his buddies?

Choose another battle, go home and hug your mom and dad. There's no use dying for generals who wouldn't do the same for you, hanging out in their mansions, playing golf and sipping wine the colour of the blood you spilt out in the open.

Or maybe... you do have a purpose. Not to be cool and a hero to everyone. Maybe if you're defeated your entire family and everything you know gets blown into bits. Maybe you're not the aggressor claiming land for the bigwigs, but a person defending his home and serving his neighbours.

We all need to fight sometimes. Even if we don't feel like it, even if you'd rather spend the day watching youtube in your briefs.

You have to earn your victories, you have to deserve your lifestyle. Chilling out on the shoulders might be fine for a while. But some faithful day, they're gonna drop you.

You have to be ready to fend for yourself and loved ones. You have to be on your toes, learning skills as weapons and buffing up your brain and body.

Then maybe when you hang your helmet up, you can take a deep breath and have a respect for the people dying out there.

I know you're tired, but sometimes you have to march forward to see the sunrise.

Communication breakdown

She's thinks he thinks this but he actually thinks this. He says this but he really means this. They all think this but they didn't say it out loud. It's communication breakdown.

It's the plot behind almost every sitcom. It's a funny thing, getting tied up in knots too complex to undo.

Human communication is rich. From words to gestures... from smells to textures, the message can be simple but it's the mode of delivery that introduces the signal noise.

Couple that with a thousand different emotions and you get a gooey lump of issues trying so desperately to digest the other lump. Life's so absurd. It's like an obstacle course without the trophy in the end.

We do our best to get the Chinese whispers right only to piss each other off.

Laziness

We all feel it sometimes. It's one of life's greatest struggles.

It engulfs us all at any given point in time, combined with tiredness and your moments are wasted.

It's hard to soldier on when you'd rather stay in bed, time's going faster than you want it to. Your mind is moving slower than it should.

You can't be in a peak state all the time. It's what you do when you feel lazy that defines you.

Go through the motions anyway, stick to your routines, hobble along knowing that someday, you'll get past the slog.